How many of you ladies categorize/define yourself as infertile when your conception woes are due to male factor (MFI)? How can a medical diagnosis for one individual spill out and entwine a second who on their own, or with a different partner, could be free of the heartache - and stigma - of infertility?
It was a couple of comments from my last post that reminded me that I should not be carrying this burden on my own, especially when so little of the initial load is mine. It wasn't my bloodwork or ultrasounds that sent us down the path of IVF, it was Mr. DD's SA. I don't have his exact numbers but his initial SA last summer was borderline on all counts, but above the levels that made both my GYN and RE feel that IUI was enough to get us pregnant. When the first IUI failed, I was informed that the sperm quality was not good. On the 2nd IUI, it was even worse. That's when we were told we should do IVF.
I actually didn't want to go to IVF. I thought it was overkill for what the problem was. When Mr. DD and I had our first consult with the RE, Mr. DD was not opposed to donor sperm, however he honestly thought it would never come to that. When it did, he backpedalled on me. No sperm donor and no adoption. Ironically it is the fact that we have X that solidifies Mr. DD's stand that there is hope and he will only consider another child that is 100% biologically ours. If we didn't have X, he would not take a 5% chance of getting pregnant on our own and consider that enough (I'm pulling that percentage out of my ass, as I don't know if it wouldn't even be that high).
So I subjected myself to the injectables; the mental torture of time; and the feelings of failure when my ovaries didn't respond as hoped while on the stims. But I did it because it was the only way I was going to have another baby and that's why I wasn't really surprised when IVF # 1 resulted in a positive. As far as we knew, the problem was never mine. The loss of Baby May was due to a genetic fluke for which we have both tested negative for, so if we could get a fertilized egg in my uterus, I figured the rest was a no-brainer.
The first nail in the ART coffin came when we ended up with a chemical pregnancy. Our RE told us that it was probably because something was wrong with the egg/embryo. And when none of the frozen embryos could get past blast stage, it became apparent that the problem did not solely lie in Mr. DD's sperm. The proof was in the pudding with IVF #2.
Why did we decide that the 2nd would be the last? I was very lucky to even get that far, as Mr. DD hated watching me go through the anguish and pain of another miscarriage as it left him powerless to change it. We really had convinced ourselves that IVF #1 was just a warm up and that # 2 would be proof that practice does make perfect. I would go again for # 3, but Mr. DD won't. He has joined the chorus of family and friends that unnecessarily remind me that I "should be happy that I have X," ...as if I'm not. X is probably the biggest reason I have for wanting another. He's a thorn in my side one moment and he is why I remind myself to keep breathing the next.
So I have decided before my next cycle starts he will definitely be getting another SA done. He needs to face the reality of what the odds really are and we can then discuss what his expectations are. Hell, right now maybe he's just trying to con me into more sex and dammit, he might just get his way for a while.
There is also the money issue. All of this has been out of pocket. Roughly $20,000 has been been literally pissed and bled away in 6 months. On my last beta day, I broke down in front of my carpet rep (who we barely know socially) and told her what hell we had been through. When I mentioned that the money should have been spent on X, do you know what she said? "You did. You did spend that money on X, just not in the traditional sense." And she's right. If X asks why he doesn't have a baby sister or brother, we will never have to look away and shuffle our feet in the dirt or try to change the subject to hide our guilt. We will honestly be able to tell him we really, really tried but it just didn't happen.
Right now I am trying hard not to be angry and disappointed about Mr. DD's stubbornness and pride especially when I think that the money we spent on IVF would've paid for 4 more IUI attempts with donor sperm and I can't help but think that it probably would've worked even if my eggs were borderline crap. But that's a "what if" question that will never be answered, much less ever asked.
Sunday 7 May 2006
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