I have been reluctant over these past few days to discuss what lies ahead with Mr. DD. He is giving me breathing space, but almost too much. Yesterday after I got off work, I had to go see him where he worked to pick up the checkbook. I was mopey and had just finished crying and he wanted to know if I was OK. Of course, I answered no, but he let me get back into the car and drive away without asking why.
Not only is Mr. DD a Man and has all the faults and defects that men normally do; he is a man of Vulcan logic. There are no answers to "what if" or "what would you do" as they usually preface something fantasmic: what would you do if you won a million dollars. Until that happens, he would never think to try to answer as it doesn't exist; it doesn't matter what he says; and it's a waste of breath.
Last night I finally dared to say to him, "It upsets me that you have already accepted that we will have no more children. And if it's not acceptance I am reading, it is ambivalence." He replied that he has accepted that we will not have more children...through the RE clinic's assistance, but he said that there is nothing preventing us from trying on our own.
Then it was my turn to plunge into that logic and figure the odds of us conceiving without medical intervention are tragically and pathetically low, which I did not say aloud. We are dealing with unexplained infertility on my part and male factor on his. You may or may not remember that we tried to go down this road after the FET That Never Happened and I had really wanted him to get a physical and another SA. He has done neither. However, he has time to do this before we start entertaining the idea again as my ovaries shut down after a cycle of stims. The idea of charting and peeing on sticks makes me surprisingly angry.
But...I don't want to give up the fight either. Not yet.
So, I am giving myself more time to digest what to do next. I have an appointment with my GYN on Wednesday for my PAP. I will undoubtedly bawl my eyes out as I relay the past 10 months of hell, which he initially sent me to, and see what he recommends, if anything.
To me, it would seem the easiest to just stop worrying about it; stop trying; stop grieving over what wasn't meant to be and move on rather than try to be hopeful and worry that if by some strange and freakish act of nature I get pregnant, I then have to stress about the fact I hadn't been on prenatal vitamins or progesterone or miscarrying again.
For Mr. DD those thoughts are irrelevant. They are the what-ifs and what-would-you-dos that can't be answered.
Saturday 6 May 2006
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