As the days pass on my calendar bringing me closer to beta-day, my ultimate concern is really not what you think it would be, which would be a negative beta. Instead, my anxiety centers around the possibility that a 2nd line does in fact show on the HPT.
A negative means The End. No more shots; no more doctor visits; no more stressing through cycles and two week waits; no more hormonal rages. The outcome will be in stone and I will have some sense of relief that it is over. The baby’s room can be transitioned into the guest room and all of the baby furniture and clothing can be sold at the first opportunity and we will not have to bear the heartache of moving it with us to the new house, as a positive beta is obviously no guarantee that our worries will magically vaporize.
A positive will extend my concerns into Pregnancy Purgatory: Will my beta double in 48 hours? Will there be a heartbeat at 6 weeks? Will I make it past the 15 week mark at which point I lost Baby May? Can I really take another 8 months of “what ifs” even though that is what I have been fighting for during these last 15 months?
And my god, do you really want to listen to me moan and groan about DBTs for that long? That’s even if everyone sticks around as I know for some it has become their survival technique when a blogger announces a pregnancy to remove them from their bloglines post-haste. Even I have developed my own system: I move the blogs into a new category so I can safely read the pregnancy posts when I’m feeling particularly buoyed with hope and optimism.
So, I sit here on pins and needles with two possibilities in front of me: a) BFN and I continue to sustain the life I already have; or b) BFP and I try to continue to sustain a life that may never be, but could be everything I've have times two.
As hard as the second possibility may be to let myself wish for, it really is the one I want with all my heart.
I will begin with the HPT tomorrow morning before I leave for Minnesota. I’m not expecting much this early, but obviously I am trying to be optimistic. I will be 7dp3dt (7 days post 3 day transfer).
Personal factoid: I shamelessly plugged my blog on Tertia’s website today.
Friday 21 April 2006
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