Until recently, I had been harboring these strange guilty feelings about having a blog that reaches into the depths of Infertility Hell, but at the same time shares snippets of my connection with my son, X. Someone asked me recently to explain why I feel guilty about this Secondary Infertility crap and I effectively side-stepped the question because I didn’t know why I felt guilty.
Per Wikipedia: “In psychology and ordinary language, guilt is an affective state in which one experiences conflict at having done something one believes one should not have done.” In the Thesaurus, these words are associated with Guilt: fault, blame, culpability, remorse, shame and self-reproach.
Now, let me say here for the records I have not for one moment ever felt my pregnancy and subsequent birth, not to mention these past 4+ years ever led me to believe that I had done something wrong by being fertile and having a child, so I firmly believe Guilt is a shitty word for my scenario.
If I was to dig a little further, I realized that this “guilt” didn’t really become a concern until I started blogging. I discovered that there were so many who were still waiting for the one child and here I was greedily seeking a second. Worse, I had my first without one OPK, thermometer or clomid within sight. I was a FREAK in Infertile Blogtopia. I think I still am as far as how my fertility issues have spanned the gamut: Fertility, Pregnancy, Miscarriages, and now Infertility.
So in an effort to not offend so many who are still seeking that first Baby, or first pregnancy, or hell – even that first positive HPT, I would keep my Motherhood low-keyed. I think that’s wherein the guilt stems. I don’t feel guilty I have one child. I feel guilty that I don’t feel comfortable sharing more about him since I don’t consider this a Mommy Blog and I’m trying to be a lurker-pleaser. So now the description of Guilt fits: I have affectively downplayed a very real and important part of my life when in fact I shouldn’t be ashamed. I’m a Mom, dammit, and I am quite proud of the fact.
Hence, the poll. If I had to make a selection, I could easily select all of them given the particular day I may have had. When I feel that this IVF is going to the crapper (or when X is being a real PITA) I try to convince myself No. 1 is true; however when I read about someone else’s struggle with SIF and feel deeply their pain and loss, I totally agree with No. 4. Depending on my mood du jour, any one of the statements is true to me.
I don’t know how much longer I’ll leave the poll up. I am fascinated with how it changes and would like to get a total of 100 votes before I take it down, but I’ve also got other fish to fry (ie: Do you think Fig is a totally fucked-up name to give to a baby, even if his sister is named Apple?), and I want to move on.
Also, I will try not to censure the amount or type of posts I have about X. You can tell me if you think that sucks, which I guess I will know when you stop showing up in my stats or you don’t comment or you tell me in an email or comment. You better make sure you make your opinions clear ‘cause quite frankly, if this IVF fails, I don’t foresee this site developing into a true Mommy Blog. It would be too depressing. Who knows, though? I might continue to find it therapeutic and go on and on about how X is going around the house singing Blondie’s, One Way or Another over and over again.
Now, if he could just get past the first two lyrics…
Personal factoid: I'm a very agressive driver.
Monday 10 April 2006
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